You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
