Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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