turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
