Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
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