Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
