phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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