So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
