I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
