Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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