I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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