i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize