U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
