Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
