the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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