JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize