is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
