dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize