the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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