my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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