So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
