my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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