He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize