he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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