i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
