I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
