when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
