Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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