why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
