I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
