I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
