So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
