Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
