Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
