thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
