I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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