I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
