you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
