she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
