god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
