that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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