Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
