I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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