Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
