you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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