Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
