I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
