either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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