I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
