I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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