I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
