I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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