forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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