next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He called his prostate his "boner button".
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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