you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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