Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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