idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
