He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
