i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
