I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
