The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
