What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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