I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
it's like iHOP with fire
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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