i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
