Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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