If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
