Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
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